BREAKING NEWS: Joe Coshan named new Gills boss as Justin Edinburgh is sacked.
Three points above the relegation places, one win in the league since the end of September and being dumped out of the FA Cup by non-league Brackley Town, it is of no surprise that Gillingham have decided to part ways with their manager and bring in a fresh face with new ideas.
This is obviously not real and was done on the football simulator game - Football Manager - which was released on iOS and Android devices on Thursday.
My first point of business - sack all of the players. None of them fit my philosophy and I believe my new signings will do a much better job.
So without further introduction, here's the new Gillingham CfJ team, all of the players' stats are randomly generated after I select their position:
GK: Lee Kenny - Shares a surname with a goalkeeping legend so he must have a safe pair of hands.
RB: Margaret Mitchell - I want my full-backs to get forward and with over 100wpm pace, this makes Mitchell the perfect RB.
CB: Rob Bailey - I expect Rob to strike fear into League One strikers if he's anything like his long lost brother who plays for Manchester United. Expecting a lot of clean sheets.
CB: Gerardo Calia - Guards the kitroom with his life, which makes him perfect for his new role of protecting the Gillingham goal.
LB: Kenn Toft - A young prospect. Destined for greatness. Over 100wpm pace will make his job as LB much easier.
RM: Anastasia Bakowski - Does enough running around for the Centre, which makes Bakowski the perfect winger, expect her to be non-stop running down the wing.
CDM: Dave Acheson - Will know the Laws of the Game better than the referee. I expect him to find some sort of loophole to help the team. Pre-match fags are banned.
CAM: Ron Green - Zidane. Ronaldinho. Bergkamp. Maradona. Add to that list, Green. A legend and Gillingham's new Bradley Dack. He will pull the strings and make things happen.
LM: Laura Garcia Rodriguez Blancas - With a name like that, there's nowhere else better for Laura to play but on the wing.
ST: Ian Reeves ST: Tim Luckhurst
Who else? The founders of the CfJ and now at the forefront of Gillingham's revival. A killer partnership that League One defences will fear. Expecting Luckhurst to get on the end of Bakowski's crosses.
- Lesley Phippen
- Jenny Grant
- Ben Cocking
- Sarah Fuller
- Richard Pendry
- Paul Francis
- Mandy Fromthebistro
So let's how a team of CfJ staff fared in their new careers as professional footballers:
A win over Everton at Goodison Park was a huge lift for the new players, but we were brought back down to earth when we lost Laura and Dave for a month due to injury and Ben was ruled out for 4 months with a torn calf muscle. Maybe the fitness levels aren’t quite there yet?
August - December
- Bakowski, Toft and LGRB get international call-ups.
- Calia concedes an own goal in the last minute of the game vs. Peterborough to cost us the win. There's a fine for that.
- Acheson returns from injury and then gets injured again, this time for 5 months.
- Sheffield United 2-4 Gillingham CfJ: Four goals in the second half with a brace from Luckhurst gives CfJ a memorable victory.
- My assistant manager David Kerslake informs me that Pendry and Francis are being disruptive in training. They have left me no choice but to fine then a week's wages.
- Millwall (1st) 1-2 Gillingham CfJ (3rd): A top of the table clash ended in celebration thanks to a brace from Ian Reeves - he hates Millwall.
- Gillingham CfJ 1-0 Shrewsbury: A 96th minute free kick from LGRB gives the journos the win but more importantly secures top spot at Christmas.
- Our only defeat in the first half of the season was to Chesterfield where Ched Evans scored 2. As he should still be in prison, technically we're still unbeaten, right?
- 17 matches unbeaten. The new invincibles?
- 5 clean sheets in last 5 games for Lee Kenny. Safe hands.
January - May
- Grant is ruled out for 2 months with injury and Cocking returns from injury... and then gets injured again for another month.
- The Wembley dream for CfJ is crushed by QPR in the FA Cup, which also ended a 20-match unbeaten run.
- Reeves proving he's a big game player as he scores the winner in another top of the table clash vs. MK Dons.
- Acheson returns to training 2 months ahead of schedule. Turning over a new leaf?
- UK Government activates Article 50, beginning the process of leaving the EU, which will affect how English teams sign players from Europe.
- Toft gets fined a week's wages for getting sent off and banned for 3 matches.
- Acheson and Cocking both get injured for another month in the battle for the award of the most injury prone.
Monday 17th April 2017 - Gillingham CfJ vs. Fleetwood Town.
All the press have gathered at Priestfield - most of them in the starting XI - for the chance to create the first draft of history of when a team of journalists win League One. If CfJ win today, they secure the SkyBet League One trophy with 2 matches still to play.
Lineup: Kenny; Phippen Calia Bailey Fuller; Bakowski Acheson Green Garcia-Rodriguez; Reeves Luckhurst.
GOAL 12': 1-0 CfJ - Ian Reeves.
GOAL 32': 2-0 CfJ - Gerardo Calia.
GOAL 74': 3-0 CfJ - Tim Luckhurst.
FT: Gillingham CfJ 3-0 Fleetwood Town.
The fans are on the pitch. Gillingham CfJ have won the league.
- Gillingham CfJ finish the season with 100 pts.
- Hat-trick for Luckhurst in the final league game gets him to 40 goals for the season and he also wins SkyBet L1 Player of the Year.
- Kenn Toft secured the SkyBet L1 Young Player of the Year and played for Ireland in their World Cup Qualifiers.
- How I haven't won Manager of the Year is a joke - that went to Russell Slade of Charlton.
- Gillingham and Charlton secure promotion to the Championship - A thing of dreams for Rob Bailey.
Statistics 2016/17 Season
Most Goals: 40 - Tim Luckhurst scoops L1 golden boot and European golden boot as he beats the tallies of: Lewandowski (39), Ibrahimovic (37), Neymar (25), Messi (24), Reeves (23) and Ronaldo (19).
- Tim Luckhurst - 15.
- Ron Green - 11.
- Anastasia Bakowski - 8.
Golden Glove: 26 Clean Sheets - Lee Kenny.
- Rob Bailey - 54.
- Tim Luckhurst - 54.
- Lee Kenny - 53.
- Ian Reeves - 53.
Most Yellow Cards:
- Kenn Toft - 11.
- Margaret Mitchell - 10.
(Clearly shorthand lecturers have no discipline.)
- Anastasia Bakowski - £7.75m
- Tim Luckhurst - £7.5m
- Ian Reeves - £5.25m
Most Injury Prone:
- Dave Acheson (29 weeks injured)
- Ben Cocking (28 weeks injured)
Man United won the Premier League with Man City finishing second but Guardiola was sacked in November. Arsenal finished 3rd. Stoke City beat Chelsea and Liverpool to 4th spot.
If any players are offended by this, feel free to put in a transfer request or ask for a new contract with your desired wage.
How did CfJ fair in the Championship and beyond? Find out in my next blog post....(Dave gets injured and is out for 4 months after returning for pre-season)